on and on

I had initially wanted to write about my vacation experiences. Then, as I was drafting, due to a set of circumstances, I found myself thinking about something else.

Revulsion is a problem I have dealt with all my life. Once a person or a situation affects me enough in a negative manner, I find there is very little I can do to conduct further business, even if it be the merest of mundanities. This isn’t good for me, practically, often, because this keeps me from goals or wishes or needs I can otherwise accomplish. The revulsion is visceral and difficult to surmount. I usually don’t succeed.

What causes it is usually predictable. I have very few specificities I am picky about.  Perhaps what I care about has little overlap with what many other people care about. I am happy to let circumstances be, happy to let people be, as long as I am returned the favour.   I am a good listener, can muster insight into situations that don’t involve me if I am asked, am mostly courteous and kind. Perhaps I have convent school to thank for all that. Perhaps I have books that I must be grateful to.  I find that I do expect a certain willingness from others to let me be. Once my way of life is affected, on a front I care about, when it could have been clearly avoided, then the revulsion sets in.

People who don’t know me well assume it is grudge-bearing. It couldn’t be further from that. It is mostly an utter inability to countenance the person again, overcome by the knowledge that I wasn’t let be.

Very few understand this. People can’t be expected to know or understand or care. I know it is in my interests to get rid of this. I also know that it will be a lifetime’s work.

I wonder, frequently, why others might be more tolerant to interference in their ways, how they find it in themselves to be tolerant when they are not let be.  A hypothesis I have once heard during a discussion with an acquaintance is that it is easier to tolerate what you practice. Would I handle this better if I were to be more interested in suggesting or making changes to other people’s ways of living and dealing with matters? I don’t know. It is difficult to imagine myself going around doing anything that might not let others be, unless forced to or asked a lot.

On and on, if only for my sake. Slowly. One day, I hope.